Sorry it has been awhile since I posted but it has been a strange 10 days. First the pure euphoria of finishing treatment. Then . . . the complete let down of finishing treatment . . . . They warned me, but it caught me by surprise. After 3 months of daily doctor visits, labs drawn, a dietician monitoring my weight on a daily basis, nurses fussing over me and asking about side effects, and no less than 6 physicians keeping track of everything from dizziness and bowel movements to the texture of my skin . . . suddenly . . . nothing.
"You did great . Thanks for playing. See you in October when we will let you know if you're cured . . . or not."
Very disconcerting. Especially because it feels like I'm not doing anything, not fighting, just waiting. . . . and you know how I love to wait.
It's going to be a long 6 weeks.
In the meantime, the side effects suck. Throwing up almost daily, gagging a lot more often than that, napping during the day and sleeping only with pharmaceutical help at night, no taste and no appetite, lost 11 pounds in 2 weeks and ah, the mucous, the ever @$&% present mucous.
So . . . for those of you who thought I was doing great and loved my positive attitude, etc etc etc. sorry, but this bites. Now is when all the doubts set in. You see, I'm not done with cancer, I'm just done with treatment and I DON'T KNOW what happens next and I DON'T have any control over it! AHHHHGH!
Ok, Ok . . . I'm not really going off the deep end. Apparently this little "post-treatment depression" is very normal. . . and I've done all the right things about it . . . like noting it, and talking to people about it, and writing about it here, and now I just have to deal with it.
Besides, I'm not really depressed. I'm pissed. And I'm tired. And I don't feel well. And I'm tired of being tired and not feeling well. And it's all normal. And I don't want to be normal. Frankly, I prefer to be extraordinary. I'm working on it.
And . . . I do still have a lot of things to be thankful for. And I do still note them:
I was well enough to take Charlie to his first day of 3rd grade!
I have several good hours every day where I can talk to friends, decorate, or get my nails done.
My side effects are not nearly as severe as they warned me they might be.
There is lots of time for reading.
I still have the most amazing husband ever. . .
. . . and kid, and family, and friends, and neighbors!
It is probably cured.
I can still swallow and TALK. (like I wasn't going to be able to talk-hah!)
So, that's it for today. I am mostly well and getting better all the time. Thanks for checking in on me! I promise a more upbeat post next time . . .so long as the mucous will cooperate.
Your still the most amazing cancer friend I have ever had. You can be pissed or whatever you feel that moment. Waiting does suck.
ReplyDeleteCan I come over and wait with you this week?
April
Hi Dear Tammy,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. I am glad that you are "telling the whole truth..." so to speak. I don't think anyone expects you to be entertaining or cheerful about cancer. We all love YOU however you feel at any time, with mucous or bitching or whatever is going on.
I am not a therapist but I can be insightful, and since you are a "doer" I am sure that it is frustrating to feel as though you are not "doing" something about your situation. And yes, the lack of control DOES suck. Totally.
Whether you realize it or not though, you are doing something. You are recovering, and processing, and coping the best you can. Even if you tried honey, you can never be anything but extra-ordinary.
When you truly feel crappy, you may consider thinking about one of my current theories on life: We only THINK we are in control. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. (With apologies to L. Frank Baum.)
Love in every color and hue to you, darling,
Miss Joyful
Doing nothing, but waiting IS torture! At least we pray the hard part is now over and forever done and truly hope you have another 44 years of great living ahead of you! Research and plan a celebatory family vacation for when the doc says you can travel again!
ReplyDeleteTammy,
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. i can not believe your attitude throughout this whole ordeal and it gives me inspiration!! You are so strong it makes me feel like a complete whimp. When I saw you last week you looked great. This week will be much better. We are praying for you!
xoxoxo,
Alan
Great to see you the other day! You really do look great even though I know you don't feel like it! Keeping you in our prayers!
ReplyDeleteDawn
As April says, it does suck. And I'm glad you are talking about it. But, we are praying that in October it will be gone. So glad you got to take Charlie to school, I know you could not miss that. Thinking and praying for you constantly. Love, Lia
ReplyDeleteJust thinking of you Tammy, you know the saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going!" That's you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there,
Scott