I came across this earlier in the week and it just seemed right, and very true to me, so I thought I would share it here today with you. It is an awfully powerful idea.
If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough.
(From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart, and Oprah)
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Since you asked . . .
Alas, my biggest score in Vegas was with my husband :). . . and I'm certainly not complaining about that!
We had a great time. I played some tournament poker (badly) but had a ton of fun, saw the underwater Cirque show, "O" at the Bellagio-remarkable! and had an amazing dining experience (even without being able to taste a lot of it) at Craftsteak, Tom Colicchio's (from Top Chef!) restaurant-- broke the bank and ordered the tasting menu (because . . you never know what might stand out to me) . . .4 appetizers, 3 meat dishes, 3 sides including a plate with 4 different kinds of mushrooms, and 4 desserts, one with 2 flavors of gelato and one with 4 different kinds of fruit! By my count, 21 different things to taste not including the rolls or drinks! The mushroom dish was a favorite of mine, the Kobe fillet stood out for Jason . . . I would recommend the experience to anyone who has a spare mortgage payment lying around . . .the service was phenomenal!
Regarding the job, it's great to be back (though I still wish I didn't have to work on weekends!)--check out the cool article in the Charlotte Observer Home section tomorrow (11/14) about our new smaller home plans and about being the ONLY home builder in the nation to ever win the National Housing Quality Gold Award twice!
That's all for now . . .1/2 hour left of Friday the 13th and no calamities to speak of!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Answer: "Yes, I am sure that I have ankle cancer."
Question: "Did you say that your ankle is sore after you twisted it yesterday?"
I just want you to know that the question/answer scenario above feels like a perfectly reasonable exchange of ideas when the person answering the question has had cancer. I understand from others that it abates some with time, but just now, paranoia is hard to reason with. Every twinge, ache or pain is analyzed and cataloged. The doctor is called (twice this week) and seen (only once!) Reassurances are offered, but not believed. The Internet is scoured for symptoms of recurrence. First, you want to find someone who has the same symptoms as you and who WAS having a recurrence, and then, you remember that in this particular case, it would be better to be WRONG and not have cancer, than to be RIGHT and to have proven to the medical profession that you know a thing or two about this disease! Good grief! Eventually you stop looking. There are a lot of stories and some of them do not turn out well.
There is however, at the moment, no reason to believe that mine will not turn out well. No more reason than there ever has been I mean. . . . which is to say that the scans looked pretty good and we will do them again in early February and then we will see.
This all got a little out of hand last week because my throat hurt. A lot. Differently than it had before. What to do? I had just seen the oncologist and he said the scans looked good. My appointment with the ENT was not scheduled until the 17th. But it hurt, especially when I coughed. Oh Lord, what now? Call the doctor! Insist that he fit me in! (Fine, Mrs. Todd come in right now!) Drive 30 minutes, wait 30 minutes, talk to the nurse, tell her every symptom I have had for the last 45 days and why this feels different! What do we do now?! More surgery?! Will they have to cut more into my tongue this time?! Gross! What about talking and swallowing?! Oh damn, I will have to get the tube back in. What if I can't talk? I should record my voice for Charlie. What should I record? I will read to him! What should I read? Maybe the Harry Potter books? Yes that's a good idea! Where was I? Oh yeah, my throat hurts. How can this be happening?! What are my options? WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
"Perhaps, we should just see what the doctor has to say."
Hmmm . . . . Not a bad plan.
Enter the DOCTOR. Asks several questions . . .where does it hurt? On both sides or only one? Any coughing? Nose running? Let's take a look. Peers around in my throat for awhile. Smiles benevolently. "Everything looks fine in there. . . . Mrs. Todd, . . . . .I think you have . . . .a . . . cold."
A COLD.
Another sweet smile.
At least he didn't pat me on the head.
"Since you came in today, I don't need to see you on the 17th of November, please schedule you next appointment for 8 weeks from today--the week after Christmas. Enjoy your holidays."
WHAT?! Are you kidding me? I don't want to wait 8 weeks, I want to see you every week! I want you to scan it every day and I want an affidavit signed in your blood that you are sure that it is not coming back. I know that this is NOT too much to ask. This is your job. Do it for heaven's sake. Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy?
Because you are crazy. Nuts. Certifiable, in fact.
By the time I got home, I was sure that he was just some quack who wouldn't know cancer from a hole in the ground (or in this case, from a cold). Let the Internet scouring begin! (sometimes you have to take a break to eat and pee and meet the school bus and talk to your boss about going back to work . . . .thank God, or I might still be there)
A week passes.
In that time we 1) decorate the house for Halloween (scariest one on the street complete with scary music and the fog machine! Awesome!) 2)develop a plan for going back to work (on November 9th, with full pay and my old job description! Yippee! ) 3) meet with Charlie's teacher (great report card!) 4) get things organized for Mom to visit and take care of Charlie while Jason and I are in Vegas (Nov 4-8, we leave tonight!) and 5) cry uncontrollably ALL the time, over tiny things . . .convinced that I am dying and that I will never get to use the fog machine again. HUH?!?!?
Wake up yesterday and discover that for the first time in 3 months . . . I have gotten my period.
Which sort of explains the crying, and the irrational behavior, and some of the paranoia, but does not, in any way, explain my sentimental attachment to the fog machine.
Great! Just when I am going away for a fun and romantic trip with my husband, I have a cold. . . and my period.
But, my ankle does not hurt.
I just want you to know that the question/answer scenario above feels like a perfectly reasonable exchange of ideas when the person answering the question has had cancer. I understand from others that it abates some with time, but just now, paranoia is hard to reason with. Every twinge, ache or pain is analyzed and cataloged. The doctor is called (twice this week) and seen (only once!) Reassurances are offered, but not believed. The Internet is scoured for symptoms of recurrence. First, you want to find someone who has the same symptoms as you and who WAS having a recurrence, and then, you remember that in this particular case, it would be better to be WRONG and not have cancer, than to be RIGHT and to have proven to the medical profession that you know a thing or two about this disease! Good grief! Eventually you stop looking. There are a lot of stories and some of them do not turn out well.
There is however, at the moment, no reason to believe that mine will not turn out well. No more reason than there ever has been I mean. . . . which is to say that the scans looked pretty good and we will do them again in early February and then we will see.
This all got a little out of hand last week because my throat hurt. A lot. Differently than it had before. What to do? I had just seen the oncologist and he said the scans looked good. My appointment with the ENT was not scheduled until the 17th. But it hurt, especially when I coughed. Oh Lord, what now? Call the doctor! Insist that he fit me in! (Fine, Mrs. Todd come in right now!) Drive 30 minutes, wait 30 minutes, talk to the nurse, tell her every symptom I have had for the last 45 days and why this feels different! What do we do now?! More surgery?! Will they have to cut more into my tongue this time?! Gross! What about talking and swallowing?! Oh damn, I will have to get the tube back in. What if I can't talk? I should record my voice for Charlie. What should I record? I will read to him! What should I read? Maybe the Harry Potter books? Yes that's a good idea! Where was I? Oh yeah, my throat hurts. How can this be happening?! What are my options? WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
"Perhaps, we should just see what the doctor has to say."
Hmmm . . . . Not a bad plan.
Enter the DOCTOR. Asks several questions . . .where does it hurt? On both sides or only one? Any coughing? Nose running? Let's take a look. Peers around in my throat for awhile. Smiles benevolently. "Everything looks fine in there. . . . Mrs. Todd, . . . . .I think you have . . . .a . . . cold."
A COLD.
Another sweet smile.
At least he didn't pat me on the head.
"Since you came in today, I don't need to see you on the 17th of November, please schedule you next appointment for 8 weeks from today--the week after Christmas. Enjoy your holidays."
WHAT?! Are you kidding me? I don't want to wait 8 weeks, I want to see you every week! I want you to scan it every day and I want an affidavit signed in your blood that you are sure that it is not coming back. I know that this is NOT too much to ask. This is your job. Do it for heaven's sake. Why are you looking at me like I'm crazy?
Because you are crazy. Nuts. Certifiable, in fact.
By the time I got home, I was sure that he was just some quack who wouldn't know cancer from a hole in the ground (or in this case, from a cold). Let the Internet scouring begin! (sometimes you have to take a break to eat and pee and meet the school bus and talk to your boss about going back to work . . . .thank God, or I might still be there)
A week passes.
In that time we 1) decorate the house for Halloween (scariest one on the street complete with scary music and the fog machine! Awesome!) 2)develop a plan for going back to work (on November 9th, with full pay and my old job description! Yippee! ) 3) meet with Charlie's teacher (great report card!) 4) get things organized for Mom to visit and take care of Charlie while Jason and I are in Vegas (Nov 4-8, we leave tonight!) and 5) cry uncontrollably ALL the time, over tiny things . . .convinced that I am dying and that I will never get to use the fog machine again. HUH?!?!?
Wake up yesterday and discover that for the first time in 3 months . . . I have gotten my period.
Which sort of explains the crying, and the irrational behavior, and some of the paranoia, but does not, in any way, explain my sentimental attachment to the fog machine.
Great! Just when I am going away for a fun and romantic trip with my husband, I have a cold. . . and my period.
But, my ankle does not hurt.
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